6. Pop-Tarts

A breakfast you can use to tile roofs…it doesn’t get fouler than that.

Some petroleum by-products are a “good source of 8 vitamins and minerals” too.

I admit, I scarfed down my fair share of frosted brown sugar and cinnamon ones in high school back in the late 80s/early 90s, and I neither encountered nor envied anyone who had the supposedly superior Toaster Strudel.  Let’s face it, Toaster Strudels are frozen, so you can’t eat them out of the box, and Pillsbury makes you do extra work by including the icing packet that you have to squirt on yourself.  It was bad enough that I had to take geometry, let alone add an extra step to an already inconvenient breakfast product.

A bonus to the grab-and-go feature of the Pop-Tart was the fact that you could throw your backpack into a cage with the American Tourister gorilla, and your Pop-Tart would come out unscathed.  If only the U.S. made our cars out of the same material at that time.

Thanks to Dave Barry, we have learned that Pop-Tarts can be used in the progression of science, namely an excuse to set fire to something, as shown here complete with photographic evidence.  No mention of a hypothesis, but my guess that the point of the experiment was to see if the scientists would get numerous website hits because people like shooting flames and/or explosions.  Looks like it was a success.

Pop-Tarts have also become part of a disconcerting Internet meme.

Over 52 million views of an animated cat with a radioactively frosted Pop-Tart body shitting rainbows to the tune of a crappy Japanese pop song.  (Yes, I am aiding and abetting, but hypocrisy does not count when it is your own blog.)  I challenge anyone to watch this video for more than a minute.  If you are able to do so, you are either a small child or have one of your own.

Excuse me while I go laugh at and lament humanity.

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16 responses »

  1. Hee hee…I will still eat Pop Tarts if they come into the house, but they do not, therefore I do not eat them. We may buy the all fruit toaster pastries without the icing, but I still prefer the chocolate chip or all chocolate varieties….yes, we all have our dirty little secrets :o) This blog is awesome BTW!

  2. “A breakfast you can use to tile roofs….” Love it! Perhaps we should send a suggestion to Kelloggs to venture into the car building business as well. Lets see, my “pop car (t)” weakness was definitely strawberry, I dont buy them, but have had my share. I watched the entire video and dont have children (none that I know of) should I be worried? 😉 Great Blog

  3. I used to love the brown sugar ones. I may just pick up a box to see if they’re still as delicious as I remember! I showed the kids the video – Dylan apparently saw it already and loved it, and Emily just wanted to know when it would be over. Dyl told me they actually have a version that lasts 7 hours – he thinks it would be awesome to watch it all. What is wrong with this kid?!

  4. It’s sort of a tradition at This Charming Candy to eat hippie poptarts + Gatorade during craft shows to keep our energy up. I’m a fan of frosted strawberry and i guess I must not be ashamed to admit it on your blog 🙂 There’s hippies in Bellingham who make these: http://www.naturespath.com/products/toaster%20pastries?tid=8&brand=All&nutri=All

    Sometimes Kate gets the regular Pop Tarts in maple/cinnamon and I have to say I thought they were pretty tasty too.

    • I should add that I consider Gatorade to be pretty darn foul. The best I can say about it (flavor wise) is “Um, it tastes red?” However, in terms of liquid calories that can be consumed quickly in an environment where you get parched from talking to people nonstop for 6 hours, they are a winner.

    • I will never deny the tastiness of a Pop-Tart. If someone handed me a frosted brown sugar cinnamon one, I would gladly scarf it down with no qualms.

      One should never be ashamed of finding foul food delicious because deliciousness is exclusive of foulness. Looking at it from the outside, it is a pretty ridiculous food, and that is part of what makes it foul.

      I’ve had the hippie strawberry ones, and I do like them too.

      • Oh, and Gatorade is foul too, but doctors tell you to drink it when you have diarrhea (cha, cha, cha), so it can’t be all bad. 🙂

      • I do agree they are foul from a theoretical standpoint. I’ve always been intrigued by the fact they they’re good straight from the package *or* toasted. And I wonder about the people who are so fancy they actually DO toast them.

  5. e Pop-Tarts today, I believe, come broken from the factory, which seriously inhibits their edibility if you are restricted to a pop-up toaster. This leaves you either

    1) Eating the broken parts raw, which is like eating cardboard, or

    2) Rolling the dice by dropping the broken parts into the toaster, at which point, you then have to

    a) Dig them out with a knife. If you do this, you SHOULD unplug the toaster first, but who has time for that? or

    b) Leave them in there, where they eventually become one with the toaster. Sounds clean, right? Wrong. When this happens, they also develop that Spy Hunter smokescreen ability, so you essentially need to discard the toaster. I’m not sure what the going price on toasters is these days, but I’m guessing it’s more than the worth of a single Pop-Tart.

    HOWEVER…

    If you DO happen to get an unbroken one, they’re just so damn good that it’s all worth it. It’s like getting a box of Cracker Jacks. Sometimes, you get the cool book of tattoos, and sometimes you end up with a 17th magnifying glass. You’re indoctrinated when you’re young, so it’s no wonder the Sands is making so much money.

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