Category Archives: Processed

10. Tuna

What did the poor tuna do to deserve being canned or pouched?   It’s bad enough that they are ugly as turds and their plight gets overshadowed by hanging out with the dolphins.  (“Screw the fish!  Save Flipper!”)  No, they have to get chopped into bits, vacuum-packed in some way, and end up in a mystery casserole by misguided people worrying about their Omega-3s.

I think the people responsible have to be Scandinavian.

My scars over canned tuna fish come from my parents.  I knew it would be a sad Friday during Lent when the odor of the open tin would barricade itself through my bedroom door and turn me into a dry heaving waste of flesh.  (Kryptonite was supposed to be canned tuna, but the Catholics put a stop to that.)  Of course, I would refuse to eat the tuna no matter how Mom would doctor it, and I would be accused of “not knowing what ‘good’ is” because I had the will to live.

At least, Mom only made cold tuna salad.  She never subjected me to concoctions involving canned cream of celery soup, cheese food, and egg noodles.  And she certainly didn’t venture into this:

Or bought something that could be a euphemism for a bodily secretion:

Oh yes, please enlarge the photos to show more detail of how you extracted all the taste and goodness out of poor defenseless fish, you twats!

I hate people.

But one positive thing has come from canned tuna.

Jingles have never sounded better, but this is still no excuse to eat fish from a can.

Never.

Ever.

Ever.

 

Ever.

6. Pop-Tarts

A breakfast you can use to tile roofs…it doesn’t get fouler than that.

Some petroleum by-products are a “good source of 8 vitamins and minerals” too.

I admit, I scarfed down my fair share of frosted brown sugar and cinnamon ones in high school back in the late 80s/early 90s, and I neither encountered nor envied anyone who had the supposedly superior Toaster Strudel.  Let’s face it, Toaster Strudels are frozen, so you can’t eat them out of the box, and Pillsbury makes you do extra work by including the icing packet that you have to squirt on yourself.  It was bad enough that I had to take geometry, let alone add an extra step to an already inconvenient breakfast product.

A bonus to the grab-and-go feature of the Pop-Tart was the fact that you could throw your backpack into a cage with the American Tourister gorilla, and your Pop-Tart would come out unscathed.  If only the U.S. made our cars out of the same material at that time.

Thanks to Dave Barry, we have learned that Pop-Tarts can be used in the progression of science, namely an excuse to set fire to something, as shown here complete with photographic evidence.  No mention of a hypothesis, but my guess that the point of the experiment was to see if the scientists would get numerous website hits because people like shooting flames and/or explosions.  Looks like it was a success.

Pop-Tarts have also become part of a disconcerting Internet meme.

Over 52 million views of an animated cat with a radioactively frosted Pop-Tart body shitting rainbows to the tune of a crappy Japanese pop song.  (Yes, I am aiding and abetting, but hypocrisy does not count when it is your own blog.)  I challenge anyone to watch this video for more than a minute.  If you are able to do so, you are either a small child or have one of your own.

Excuse me while I go laugh at and lament humanity.

5. Artificial Sweeteners

Personally, I am not the biggest artificial sweetener fan. The occasional Coke Zero is just fine by me. Really though, I am not interested in discussing studies about how aspartame turns you into a werewolf or your Aunt Bette. If it gives you a headache and makes your balls swell to the size of a hot air balloon at the same time, please keep this information to yourself.

Foulness-wise, I just love the way artificial sweeteners help warp the thinking of people. There is nothing like the rationalization behind someone telling you that the diet soda makes eating the Big Mac better. It is amusing how people justify doing what they want, if they can create some sort of superstitious balance to counteract the deed.

“Of course, I can eat this whole deep-dish meat-lovers pizza. I’ll just wash it down with a Diet Sprite and take my multivitamin later.”

This is the culinary equivalent of silver crosses and garlic against vampires.

"I only sucked the blood out of 10 truck drivers, 8 housewives, and Bud from the deli. I have enough room for a cup of Sugar-Free Jell-O."

 

I used to do Weight Watchers online until I became more comfortable with my expanding ass spread. Weight Watchers has a point system that was created by pixies in a dungeon somewhere. In summary, the point value of a food is determined by this special formula involving calories, fat, and fiber.

So, the easiest way to get the point value down on a food is to cut the calories. For a lot of people in the program, the easiest means of doing so is replacing the sugar with artificial sweeteners, so eating that 9-in double-layered German chocolate cake is not so bad because it was made with Equal. People in program still take on this thinking when submitting their recipes to the Weight Watchers website. What’s even better is what they do to foods that would have been tasty if they left the sweeteners out.

My internal monologue would go something like this when I was reading a recipe for applesauce, for example.

“OK, apples. Good thing to have in applesauce. Lemon juice, understandable, OK. Cinnamon, check. Nutmeg, nice addition. Mmm, yummy. A little water and….1/3 cup of Splenda. Splenda. I was with you until you had to add Splenda.”

It seemed like I was only person put off by this addition. C People chimed in on the comment section with statements like, “I’m going to can this and give it out to my WW friends as gifts!” “I could eat this for dessert for the rest of my life!” “Oh, I just made your recipe last night. It was SOOOO good! It tasted like it came right from the jar!”

Artificial sweeteners…the pixie dust that makes all the bad stuff in food go away.

4. Ramen

I am not talking about just plain ramen.  Nothing foul about a simple noodle.  No, I want to discuss what most American college students know…all it takes is a quarter and some boiling water, and you have dinner.

This is my favorite poison to pick in this category.

Hey, and it has 0% trans fat!

Nevertheless, it’s true foulness comes in the packet.

Ooh, shiny object!  It’s so festive like Christmas.  (Squeeeeee!)  Let’s open it and see what Santa brought us!

 

Well, I don’t know whether to snort this or lick it.  Although, cocaine may be a safer option.

What more can I say that the pictures have already done for me?  Well, I just want to point out something regarding the serving sizes.

Has anyone ever eaten 1/2 a packet of ramen?  Is there someone out there who has said, “Oh no, this stuff is too rich.  I can’t finish it.  Here, let’s share.”? Personally, I cherish every one of the 1240 mg of sodium of this allegedly creamy substance, and I’ll be damned if I let anyone else have any.

So there.

3. Cheez Whiz

Normally, I am not impressed by misspelling in the name of marketing. Cheez, however, provides truth in advertising. It’s sincere. It isn’t passing itself off as some creation made from organic llama milk by passionate artisans wearing fair trade clothing and nattering on about sustainability. No, sir, what you are getting is an approximation of cheese, whether it be a congealed blob or orange powder. And, God bless America, that is the way it should be.

Now the king of all cheezes has to be Cheez Whiz.

Cheeze Whiz has been a part of the US for over 50 years, and there is no danger of production being stopped, especially with its high number of devotees. I am from Philly cheesesteak country, and I vouch that there are plenty of people out there who claim a cheesesteak is not a cheesesteak without some of this slapped on it. These people usually are Philadelphia sports fans too, so there is no end to their fortitude.

Recipes abound using this jar of annatto-colored wonder. In my extensive 2-minute Google search, I discovered how much more it is than a coating for a nacho chip. My favorite has to be the Broccoli Cheez Whiz soup which only consists of broccoli (of course), Cheez Whiz (to be expected), canned cream of celery soup (another candidate for a Foul Food post), and half-and-half (moo). This is the perfect dish for when you want to clear a 44-mile radius with your intestines.

Venerated as it is in certain circles, I also feel for Cheez Whiz. It is usually sequestered off in the grocery store in a hidden part of the dairy section along with its cousin, Velveeta. Like the illegitimate son of a king, powerful and tough enough not to be refrigerated but too much of an outcast to have a prominent position, Cheez Whiz is usually only placed in the cart after the average shopper looks over her shoulder to make sure no one she knows sees her. Truth be told, very few people will admit to liking Cheez Whiz.

So I appeal to all Americans. Go out an buy a jar of Cheez Whiz. Display it at your desk at work. Give it to your mother for Christmas. Send it to your friends overseas, and tell them you are proud to be from a country that produced the world’s first replica food.

It’s the patriotic thing to do.

UPDATE

I just wanted to show that I am doing my part for the Cheez Whiz cause and for you to feel the strength and warmth from the wooden penguins.

 

Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Belated Eid/Festivus/Chinese Food and a Movie Day!