Category Archives: Recipes

7. Velveeta Cheese Fudge

No, you did not read the title wrong.

I think this recipe screams of desperation for fudge, pregnancy cravings, or a bar bet, probably all three. I wish I could find the inventor of this recipe, so I could find out for sure.

But maybe some things are better left unknown.

One thing I do know, Paula Deen has helped promote Velveeta Cheese Fudge, including creating a Velveeta Fudge Ball recipe. (Don’t ask.) For those 2 people not from the United States who are reading this, Paula Deen’s celebrity chef schtick is turning on the Southern hospitality and charm to the point where you are convinced she would knife you in your sleep if given the chance.

“I put a special ingredient in just for yeeeewwww!”

Velveeta cheese fudge has been around for a while now, and I knew I finally had to make it myself to find out just how foul it really is. Kraft, the makers of Velveeta, described its relationship to the fudge like this, “Among our loyal customers, this recipe is one of the most requested.”

I am sure it is.

Velveeta Cheese Fudge

3/4 lb. (12 oz.) VELVEETA® or VELVEETA Made With 2% Milk Reduced Fat Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 cup (2 sticks) butter or margarine
6 squares BAKER’S Unsweetened Chocolate
2 Tbsp. light corn syrup
2 pkg. (16 oz. each) powdered sugar (about 8 cups)
1-1/2 cups chopped PLANTERS Pecans
1 tsp. vanilla

Now, I didn’t include the nuts because I am planning on pawning this onto unsuspecting school children today. Secondly, I have an ingredient recommendation. For the chocolate, try not to go out to buy any. Your mother or grandmother probably has some Baker’s chocolate lying around left over from the Nixon administration. Use that for extra foulness.

First, melt the Velveeta, butter, chocolate, and corn syrup together on low heat or nuke it, stirring occasionally.

I'm afraid.

Now I am really scared.

Once the glop has completely melted, gradually add it to 2 lbs of sifted icing sugar while mixing.

I highly recommend an electric mixer for this because it will have a consistency of wet plaster. (I didn’t use my Kitchenaid because I was afraid it was going to reject the mixture as not being worthy, so my Econo-Buy handheld did the trick.)

Can also be used as wood putty.

Pour into a well-greased 9×13 or 9×9 pan and try to smooth the top with a spatula before it comes alive and eats the cat.

Cover and bung it into the fridge for several hours. Try not to think about what you have in there, unless you already have some science experiments going on.

After about 3 hours, you should have something like this, if you use a silicone pan.  I already cut some off at the time I took the picture.  (Had to do some prying to get it out.)

Reader, I ate some.   And the verdict?  Not the worst thing I ever eaten.  Mostly I tasted chocolate and sugar.  The texture was still reminiscent of Velveeta, so it seemed odd in dessert form.  C minus.

So is it still foul?  Absolutely…if only because you can mold it into this:

2. Date Bait

Commenting on foul food does not only mean going into the store and mocking the packaging on the shelf or wayward Scandinavians. (Although it does provide entertainment to go up to the display of Triscuit boxes and laugh maniacally at it. Not that I would know. (Whistles and looks up.))

Foul food can be a homecooked creation inspired by life, love, or drug-induced munchies, and love most certainly beckons with this particular cookbook.

Apart from the virtue that this tome is rightly patronizing toward “the younger set”, the recipes are astounding. Let’s look at the ingredient list for a simple salad that doesn’t use complicated words like “champagne”.

Hmm…frozen peaches, lemon jello, lettuce, mayo. Who wouldn’t succumb to the allure of a semi-deity who was capable of making this fine dish? But then again…

Upon closer inspection, I sincerely wonder what this food will do to the poor sap who eats this. Is the arrangement of the jello molds a clue about some odd phallic disease…especially in such close proximity to the nut meats? Is this a subtle commentary about what happens to men after marriage? Maybe the pain won’t be sham after all?

Regardless, Date Bait is the one book I would rescue if my house were burning down, and I cannot believe my dear, sweet husband still wanted to marry me even though I was thoroughly unaware of this written marvel’s divine recipes at the time. I most certainly hope I can make up to him in whatever amount of time we have together, which may be limited if I feed him anything from this.