Doritos dipped in melted leftover Velveeta that was spared from going into the fudge.
No, you did not read the title wrong.
I think this recipe screams of desperation for fudge, pregnancy cravings, or a bar bet, probably all three. I wish I could find the inventor of this recipe, so I could find out for sure.
But maybe some things are better left unknown.
One thing I do know, Paula Deen has helped promote Velveeta Cheese Fudge, including creating a Velveeta Fudge Ball recipe. (Don’t ask.) For those 2 people not from the United States who are reading this, Paula Deen’s celebrity chef schtick is turning on the Southern hospitality and charm to the point where you are convinced she would knife you in your sleep if given the chance.
Velveeta cheese fudge has been around for a while now, and I knew I finally had to make it myself to find out just how foul it really is. Kraft, the makers of Velveeta, described its relationship to the fudge like this, “Among our loyal customers, this recipe is one of the most requested.”
I am sure it is.
Velveeta Cheese Fudge
3/4 lb. (12 oz.) VELVEETA® or VELVEETA Made With 2% Milk Reduced Fat Pasteurized Prepared Cheese Product, cut into 1/2-inch cubes
1 cup (2 sticks) butter or margarine
6 squares BAKER’S Unsweetened Chocolate
2 Tbsp. light corn syrup
2 pkg. (16 oz. each) powdered sugar (about 8 cups)
1-1/2 cups chopped PLANTERS Pecans
1 tsp. vanilla
Now, I didn’t include the nuts because I am planning on pawning this onto unsuspecting school children today. Secondly, I have an ingredient recommendation. For the chocolate, try not to go out to buy any. Your mother or grandmother probably has some Baker’s chocolate lying around left over from the Nixon administration. Use that for extra foulness.
First, melt the Velveeta, butter, chocolate, and corn syrup together on low heat or nuke it, stirring occasionally.
Once the glop has completely melted, gradually add it to 2 lbs of sifted icing sugar while mixing.
I highly recommend an electric mixer for this because it will have a consistency of wet plaster. (I didn’t use my Kitchenaid because I was afraid it was going to reject the mixture as not being worthy, so my Econo-Buy handheld did the trick.)
Pour into a well-greased 9×13 or 9×9 pan and try to smooth the top with a spatula before it comes alive and eats the cat.
Cover and bung it into the fridge for several hours. Try not to think about what you have in there, unless you already have some science experiments going on.
After about 3 hours, you should have something like this, if you use a silicone pan. I already cut some off at the time I took the picture. (Had to do some prying to get it out.)
Reader, I ate some. And the verdict? Not the worst thing I ever eaten. Mostly I tasted chocolate and sugar. The texture was still reminiscent of Velveeta, so it seemed odd in dessert form. C minus.
So is it still foul? Absolutely…if only because you can mold it into this:
Normally, I am not impressed by misspelling in the name of marketing. Cheez, however, provides truth in advertising. It’s sincere. It isn’t passing itself off as some creation made from organic llama milk by passionate artisans wearing fair trade clothing and nattering on about sustainability. No, sir, what you are getting is an approximation of cheese, whether it be a congealed blob or orange powder. And, God bless America, that is the way it should be.
Now the king of all cheezes has to be Cheez Whiz.
Cheeze Whiz has been a part of the US for over 50 years, and there is no danger of production being stopped, especially with its high number of devotees. I am from Philly cheesesteak country, and I vouch that there are plenty of people out there who claim a cheesesteak is not a cheesesteak without some of this slapped on it. These people usually are Philadelphia sports fans too, so there is no end to their fortitude.
Recipes abound using this jar of annatto-colored wonder. In my extensive 2-minute Google search, I discovered how much more it is than a coating for a nacho chip. My favorite has to be the Broccoli Cheez Whiz soup which only consists of broccoli (of course), Cheez Whiz (to be expected), canned cream of celery soup (another candidate for a Foul Food post), and half-and-half (moo). This is the perfect dish for when you want to clear a 44-mile radius with your intestines.
Venerated as it is in certain circles, I also feel for Cheez Whiz. It is usually sequestered off in the grocery store in a hidden part of the dairy section along with its cousin, Velveeta. Like the illegitimate son of a king, powerful and tough enough not to be refrigerated but too much of an outcast to have a prominent position, Cheez Whiz is usually only placed in the cart after the average shopper looks over her shoulder to make sure no one she knows sees her. Truth be told, very few people will admit to liking Cheez Whiz.
So I appeal to all Americans. Go out an buy a jar of Cheez Whiz. Display it at your desk at work. Give it to your mother for Christmas. Send it to your friends overseas, and tell them you are proud to be from a country that produced the world’s first replica food.
It’s the patriotic thing to do.
I just wanted to show that I am doing my part for the Cheez Whiz cause and for you to feel the strength and warmth from the wooden penguins.
Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Belated Eid/Festivus/Chinese Food and a Movie Day!