Tag Archives: processed

3. Cheez Whiz

Normally, I am not impressed by misspelling in the name of marketing. Cheez, however, provides truth in advertising. It’s sincere. It isn’t passing itself off as some creation made from organic llama milk by passionate artisans wearing fair trade clothing and nattering on about sustainability. No, sir, what you are getting is an approximation of cheese, whether it be a congealed blob or orange powder. And, God bless America, that is the way it should be.

Now the king of all cheezes has to be Cheez Whiz.

Cheeze Whiz has been a part of the US for over 50 years, and there is no danger of production being stopped, especially with its high number of devotees. I am from Philly cheesesteak country, and I vouch that there are plenty of people out there who claim a cheesesteak is not a cheesesteak without some of this slapped on it. These people usually are Philadelphia sports fans too, so there is no end to their fortitude.

Recipes abound using this jar of annatto-colored wonder. In my extensive 2-minute Google search, I discovered how much more it is than a coating for a nacho chip. My favorite has to be the Broccoli Cheez Whiz soup which only consists of broccoli (of course), Cheez Whiz (to be expected), canned cream of celery soup (another candidate for a Foul Food post), and half-and-half (moo). This is the perfect dish for when you want to clear a 44-mile radius with your intestines.

Venerated as it is in certain circles, I also feel for Cheez Whiz. It is usually sequestered off in the grocery store in a hidden part of the dairy section along with its cousin, Velveeta. Like the illegitimate son of a king, powerful and tough enough not to be refrigerated but too much of an outcast to have a prominent position, Cheez Whiz is usually only placed in the cart after the average shopper looks over her shoulder to make sure no one she knows sees her. Truth be told, very few people will admit to liking Cheez Whiz.

So I appeal to all Americans. Go out an buy a jar of Cheez Whiz. Display it at your desk at work. Give it to your mother for Christmas. Send it to your friends overseas, and tell them you are proud to be from a country that produced the world’s first replica food.

It’s the patriotic thing to do.


I just wanted to show that I am doing my part for the Cheez Whiz cause and for you to feel the strength and warmth from the wooden penguins.


Merry Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Belated Eid/Festivus/Chinese Food and a Movie Day!