Tag Archives: sucralose

5. Artificial Sweeteners

Personally, I am not the biggest artificial sweetener fan. The occasional Coke Zero is just fine by me. Really though, I am not interested in discussing studies about how aspartame turns you into a werewolf or your Aunt Bette. If it gives you a headache and makes your balls swell to the size of a hot air balloon at the same time, please keep this information to yourself.

Foulness-wise, I just love the way artificial sweeteners help warp the thinking of people. There is nothing like the rationalization behind someone telling you that the diet soda makes eating the Big Mac better. It is amusing how people justify doing what they want, if they can create some sort of superstitious balance to counteract the deed.

“Of course, I can eat this whole deep-dish meat-lovers pizza. I’ll just wash it down with a Diet Sprite and take my multivitamin later.”

This is the culinary equivalent of silver crosses and garlic against vampires.

"I only sucked the blood out of 10 truck drivers, 8 housewives, and Bud from the deli. I have enough room for a cup of Sugar-Free Jell-O."


I used to do Weight Watchers online until I became more comfortable with my expanding ass spread. Weight Watchers has a point system that was created by pixies in a dungeon somewhere. In summary, the point value of a food is determined by this special formula involving calories, fat, and fiber.

So, the easiest way to get the point value down on a food is to cut the calories. For a lot of people in the program, the easiest means of doing so is replacing the sugar with artificial sweeteners, so eating that 9-in double-layered German chocolate cake is not so bad because it was made with Equal. People in program still take on this thinking when submitting their recipes to the Weight Watchers website. What’s even better is what they do to foods that would have been tasty if they left the sweeteners out.

My internal monologue would go something like this when I was reading a recipe for applesauce, for example.

“OK, apples. Good thing to have in applesauce. Lemon juice, understandable, OK. Cinnamon, check. Nutmeg, nice addition. Mmm, yummy. A little water and….1/3 cup of Splenda. Splenda. I was with you until you had to add Splenda.”

It seemed like I was only person put off by this addition. C People chimed in on the comment section with statements like, “I’m going to can this and give it out to my WW friends as gifts!” “I could eat this for dessert for the rest of my life!” “Oh, I just made your recipe last night. It was SOOOO good! It tasted like it came right from the jar!”

Artificial sweeteners…the pixie dust that makes all the bad stuff in food go away.